✓ helps couples who have differences in desire or needs, sexual dysfunctions, affairs and much more.
✓ helps women who have questions around female sexuality
✓ for sex education and practical tips
There is not just one way to love
Seldomly we marry the person with whom we have had the best sex of our life. For a marriage other qualities often times count more.
However, sexuality in long term relationships is a topic that more often than not can be problematic. Some have no desire any more, others want something else than their partner, or sex happened with someone else, or it simply doesn’t work that well any more.
There are many reasons for a sex therapy. Often times it is an integral part of a couples therapy as the reasons do not lie in physical defects, but in the couple dynamic.
If the most beautiful thing in the world is no longer so beautiful together, the causes are much more ignorance and a lack of communication about sex. Sexual therapy or sexual counseling is often also part of couples counseling and the two cannot be separated from one another, because physical problems can rarely be found as the cause.
Good sex can be learned, and many have legitimate hopes of rediscovering the way to it through a sex therapist.
Sex Counseling- For couples and individuals
In couple sessions sexuality can be one topic out of many or can be seen as the primary focus. In the course of therapy we sometimes do individual sessions with one or both partners.
During individual sex therapy with women we often talk about lack of desire, problems with orgasms or how to explore their own sexual identity.
What we always do is sex education. We all know how procreation works. All animals know that too. But that’s about it. The knowledge what GOOD sex is, is not innate. We have to learn that! Or did you know that men and women have different arousal curves and therefore do not get aroused the same way?
That in your mid 30s you might have to have a second source of arousal other than your partner (not necessarily another human being, but a little fantasy or toy)?
That the function of the clit of women can be super different from woman to woman and what works on one can be counter productive for another? That there is a big difference between a simple orgasmic unloading and a wonderful orgasm?
Or that an immobile hip can lead to erectile dysfunction and that there is help? In our trainings we learn about all that and are happy to pass on what we know.
Topics in Sex Therapy
different needs concerning the frequency of sex
lack of desire of one partner
lack of knowledge on how sex can be fun
lack of communication on sex
too much stress for sex
different preferences of sexual practices
I would like to emphasize one thing here: if sex doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It is about finding the right way for both of you and that is a very individual matter and rarely one of something being wrong. Everything is okay as long as you don’t suffer from it. And if that is the case: let’s look for a way out.
Goal of Sex Counseling
The goal of sex counselling is not (only) to have more fun with sex or to have sex again to begin with, but also to achieve more closeness, connection and understanding for each other. The communication on that topic will be improved and both partners open up. A maybe shameful topic will become as normal as Small Talk, yet something very special.
The imagination and desire will be triggered and the relationship more relaxed, harmonious and simply better. A little bit like in the beginning when everything was still new. Can that goal be reached in every case? Let’s be realistic: no. Not always will there be ways to have a satisfying sex life with each other. But it is worth looking at. It is worth getting to know youself and your partner better as sexual beings.
Sex Counseling Process
You make an appointment in my practice or we will work online! You can make the appointment online via doctolib or you can use email, telephone or the contact form.
I have two main focuses in sex therapy:
1. The treatment of sexual problems within the relationship dynamics, which I work on together with couples of any sexual orientation.
2. The support of women in an individual setting with all questions about female sexuality. This has nothing to do with discrimination against men, but with the specialization and deeper training on this subject, which in this society is often fraught with shame and potential for conflict. This requires special sensitivity and specialist knowledge.
In the first session we get to the bottom of your challenges. At the same time, we also look at whether other couple issues may complicate sexuality and find solutions for them.
It is important to facilitate communication about it. If you cannot talk about your preferences, desires and problems in bed, you will never achieve a satisfying togetherness.
You will also get homework from me to think about, but of course also homework for direct implementation.
It is also important to note that you DO NOT HAVE to say anything that you do not want to say. If something is too early to address or you feel uncomfortable, we proceed at your own pace and everything happens at the right time.
The female pleasure
Men and women are sexually from other planets. Hardly anyone knows that. While the man even after years still gets aroused simply by looking at his wife, it is different for women. In the infatuation phase, it was still enough just to think about him. One look, one touch, and she was ready for him. Being in love and the strong desire for fusion was enough to become aroused.
A leap in time to the future: 5 years later, the hormones of the rose-colored glasses have ebbed away. The love is there, the desire is not. That's right, because unlike with men, lust does not equal arousal, what we need now is rather a decision to want to have sex and see if arousal sets in in the course of the act. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. It strongly depends on how much sexual learning has taken place.
10 years later, not only is the hormonal rush gone, but now the need for cuddling is satisfied by the children and no longer by the husband. This can have far-reaching consequences. Couples therapy, for example ;).
20 years later the children are grown up and out of the house or at least not so time consuming any more. The partner at best but at best is still there and wants attention. And by then many have not had sex for a long time.
So it is even more important for the woman than for the man to learn what excites her, to explore her desire and to be curious about what can work and what cannot. Sex can be learned, by itself the brain (and the abdomen) does not have the knowledge ready. For this, there are books, movies or even video tutorials like the wonderful sex lessons on the OMG Yes website.This is where sex therapy can help. Let's talk!
Specific case study from sex counseling
Reasons for the lack of desire
In order to give you an idea on how a sex therapy can work, let me give you a typical example. Claire and Tom (names changed, of course) came into my office because Andrea did have any desire to have sex with him any more. Ever since the birth of their son 5 years ago any eroticism stopped. But even before that their sex life wasn’t really exciting. The focus on the child and and the little power they had left after a long work day didn’t do anything to make it better.
I learned that Claire is not asexual but simply didn’t like the sex they had. However, she had no idea what she wanted instead. What she knew was one thing: she wanted to have fun in bed and she wanted to find out how that can work and how that can work with her husband. So I worked on two levels:
Couple dynamics & reflection
1. We looked at the couple dynamic in order to make it more harmonious again, to delete misunderstandings and to find new agreements that work. They had to turn towards one another emotionally again.
2. I also gave them recommendations for self-study on how to explore their sexuality; found out during the sessions what already worked and what needed improvement; and did individual sessions with Claire, where we found out how she managed to have BAD sex; and I showed her some physical exercises that helped her explore her own lust.
Establishing closeness & lust
One important factor was to go slow. To work on desire is nothing that works from one day to the other. Slowly but steadily they experienced more emotional closeness that also allowed physical approaches, and a few weeks after the first session they had sex again. The goal of having a fulfilling sex life had not been reached yet, but being with one another was already much more pleasant and the first touches felt really good. The new life together had begun...
I am looking forward to supporting you too, just give me a call or book a session online!
Three tips to improve your sex life
Talk about it. Tell your partner what you like and what you don’t like. And if you don’t know yourself (and that is the case pretty often)- be curious and explore your own sexuality first by yourself.
Solo-sex for experimentation is a good first step. Educate yourself, read books, watch movies and talk about it with friends.
Women get aroused later than men. While a man often times is already aroused while sitting next to her on the couch, it takes much longer for a women to get turned on.
Foreplay is important and every woman should know what her way to arousal looks like.
Seek variety. Play an erotic card game, experiment with locations, clothes, dirty talk, different practices, watch erotic films together, etc.
Nothing cools down desire as much as a long term relationship.